I'm only human, my ass.

Stand aside and separate yourself from the world for a minute. Be alone. Quiet. Soundless. Nothing. Become invisible to yourself.
What are you thinking of? Who are you thinking of? Why are the things floating in your REM memory or at a subconscious level?
We are selfish. Ignorant to an over exaggerated level. Rude. Unkind to others. Jealous. And outright apathetic of anyone other than ourselves.
Everyone is and I can say I am too.
We all are alike and different and equal. We all make mistakes. Some which are accidents and others for purpose. We have a reason though remember? We're only human.
When does "we're only human" become bigger than a reason?
At the beginning, when I asked you to stand aside from the world and be alone, you weren't just "being human". You were thinking of others. Thinking of important have to's in your world and not worrying about you.
We human beings need to do this often. Help someone in need. Give a dime to the homeless, every penny counts. Feed your neighbors cat free of charge. Smile at the people you come in contact with in a daily basis. Something. Anything.
Be different. Don't fall into the cliche saying "I'm only human". Be the difference.

To You Men.

Every girls dream is to marry her knight in shining armor. I have a question though.. Why does he become the one to ruin hope?
Men are the worst at saying things women take to heart and one of these days were going to believe them. Whether its physical, mental, futuristic, or a dream. We're going to start believing.
If you men don't want or expect something, much less anything, out of life or during a relationship, DON'T MENTION IT. You don't want marriage. Don't say you do. Don't want kids. Don't even consider talking about pregnancy. You want to be bum the test of your life, that's fine, be a bum and LEAVE US OUT.
Don't lead us to believe you love is if you don't. DON'T LIE ABOUT LOVE. You're wasting your time. Us women can get a better man to treat us right when y'all are having trouble either finding a girl to spread her legs or reconsidering the "love factor ".. Piece of advice GIVE UP! We have expectations too and assholes aren't one of them.
We do things nice for you because we DO care. Because we ACTUALLY Love you! Because we WANT a family to spend days with.. Don't or stop Ruining that factor!
We don't need you. We want you for the shear HOPE of maybe one day fulfilling those dreams those dreams you men try to ruin.

Olympic me

Watching the Olympics makes me want to get fit and stay fit. I want to be able to go out and run in a sports bra without feeling uncomfortable. Or play sand volleyball with nothing else but a swim suit on. I want to be fearless when I step onto a high dive and repel myself down into the water. I want the drive to stroke my arms over and over in record time. I want the guts to swing from bar to bar and land without deductions. Or have a memorable tumbling pass on floor that shall never be forgotten because I was the star. I want to have the muscle to stride my body over hurdles or sprint until I've gained that strength. I want the support system saying I can do it when I want to give up and walk away. I want to have the confidence in myself. I want that desire. Courage. Strength. Motivation.
I could be the next Olympian from Wichita falls to ever take home a gold medal or even have that chance to compete. We all have that opportunity, but deprive ourselves from considering what seems to be impossible.
I want to do this. Get fit. For me, myself, and for the sole reason of being able to say I did it. I can be an Olympic medalist and will be, even if it's in my own backyard.

To run

I just want to run. A marathon. Triathlon. Pull a forest gump and run for 3 years. Don't stop. Don't text. Dont talk. Dont write. Nothing... Just the road and I. I could run for hours and not stop but to eAt or drink or use te restroom. The cRazy things someone does when emotions take over.

I could do all of these things because of emotions but once they go away I'll want to stop. When does the emotion become the guidance? Why does it hve to go away to make something occur? This should be constant...

So effing confused and frustrated...

My first TBH

I've never written a TBH before so here it is.. Just a few for certain people..

To be honest 1:
•The reason I said you were selfish is because that's how you carry yourself. You look as if you're not supposed to be with someone; almost like you're looking for better.
•You've become so much better I wish you could've stepped back to see the change.
• I wasn't expecting that; to see you. You know that right? You seemed pissed to even the sight of me walking beside you. Why are you so apathetic and nonchalant?
• I'm afraid for you. You'll be a great mommy and I want to believe that...
• I respect your needs and hear your wants, but life isn't fair. You could have your cake and eat it too with one simple task: divorce.
• don't underestimate my ability to do well. Money will no longer be a pain in the behind and I will finish my degree. With or without your help.
• I envy you. Wish I was on the level you're on and have all the great success stories as you do. I will one day. Because of you
• I miss you a lot. Come to Texas more often :(
• you're beautiful. You've got a good head on your shoulders. Don't let a boy change that or anyone else for that matter.
• you're my friend but I can only handle so much of you. Don't be so two faced and we may not have problems.
• Kryptonite. One of the neatest stones with so much power.. I'm sorry I'm yours.

Has it been 3 days yet?!

So yesterday didn't go quit the way I had planned it. Thought I would mention the occasion and it blew up in my face. "what's it matter", he says. I looked at him and just nodded with a disappointed glare on my face.

Old or young you remember the small things. The first date, the first kiss, the first crush, the first prom, the first heartbreak, the first's. And you remember the little unnecessary wants that a person does for you throughout. Like a "just because" card that sings the most annoying tune or a sticky note on the bathroom window that simply reads "I love you" or even a surprise of flowers on the dresser in your room after a crappy day of work... Those small things aren't something that come with script...

Remember crushing on someone? How you gave and received a cell number and you wait all day to see if they'll say something to you but you can't call because it hasn't hit the 3 day mark yet? And on that third day it gave you something to look forward to all day, just waiting for them to notice and call...

That's how dating someone is to me. On the 9th of every month I celebrate. I may look like a fool, but I look forward to the next 30 days... I look forward to the next month telling that person how much I care about them and what they mean to me... But then maybe I shouldn't care because in the end it doesn't matter anyways and it won't for some. It won't matter. Ever.

That's disappointing.

Week 1

Completed insanity week 1. Only gets easier from here on! Being it on week 2!

The Tricky Thing

As streams roll down my face, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I can repeat that over and over and it doesn't matter in the end...
Love is a tricky thing...For most it is wanted.
Wanted Immediately and wanted promised with all the factors fairy tales include.
...For many it is kind...
The one thing read about most frequently in books, books of all genre and ages, is love. Love stories of good and evil. More common than not, ending with heart breaks than happily ever afters...
... For some it is envied and boastful and proud...
We are all jealous..Those that flaunt their acquired focus on opinion and let the world inside. Then make it a comparison vs. others happiness instead of ones own.
... For few it does not dishonor others, it is not self seeking, and it is not easily angered...
Cheating is a sin. It is common. Sins are common, so be it. Dishonor is hurt. Hurting your other with oneself through actions and other beings. Self-seeking is now the form of mating. One must go out and "find" their match or be either rarely lucky or unloved. And not to mention, both of these are angering.
... For fewer it keeps no records of wrongs..
Backstabbing, referring to the past, "you did this, you did that" scenarios, they're all the same. Stored in the aged, spider webbed compartments in the very embedded files at the back are the bad memories. The ones you want to forget but are always somehow remembered.
... For the rare it does not delight in evil and rejoice in the truth..
Simply: we are liars..

Again,
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry...
But what does it matter...

Love is promised only to always protect, always trust, always hope, and always persevere.
Where are all of these factors in the one we "love"?

Love is contradicting. No matter which way its viewed. It has wrongs and rights and ups and downs, but it's out there; flawless, and perfect. It could be so simple and fair,but love is the tricky thing.



"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away."
- 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

Insanity

So I've been thinking. I want to be in the best shape I can be by my 21st birthday. Insanity is what I'm going to use to accomplish this, however I have to finish it this time. The first time I started this journey I quit after a month and a week and didn't only feel great but looked alright too. My mom also did this with me and looked way better than I ever did and she's 50. How depressing is that? Im not going to do it for anyone other than myself. I need to do this for me, mainly for disciplinary reasons to have my mind focused on one thing. Anyway, I'm going to do it this time. On my own and completed. I can do it.. I know I can.

To you, Superman.

So did you delete the ones you thought id read? The ones you didn't want to hurt me with... Call me a creeper man, but you inspire me. Your words and actions equal and create the person youve become. You're so much stronger than I am and that makes me a jealous person. Your heart has been enlarged by so many people, you're liked by many, and have fans of multiple places. You're envied and a stronghold to me. I can depend on you when I'm having the worst day I can imagine. I can call you if I'm stranded in the middle of the intersection with no gasoline in my tank and you'd come to my rescue without question. I hate to tell you this because I know you don't want to hear it and I think it's been 24 hrs at the least... Anyway, I miss you. Already. I can't help but put myself through wondering what ifs all day because I know I'm the one that screwed up. I'm the one in the hole and I know I'm the one that has to make a difference. It's me not you.. How cliché I know. But, you're right. About everything..

The losing end

It's gone to far and now it hurts. You've hit the core of me. Inside me my heart is broken.
You're supposed to be that person I run to with good news or bad. The person I should want to see after a long days work and the the person I want to share my secrets with... The Person that protects my heart from the evil things that try to enter. You're supposed to be that person. The person I am to you if not a little more caring.
You're supposed to be my knight in shining armor. My prince charming. My one and only one. That's what you say you are anyway.
Don't be a liar. If you wanted any of those things it wouldn't be a want factor anymore. It would be automatic. I wouldn't have to ask for dates or attention. I wouldn't have to expect such a high standard from you. By expecting so much now leaves at a loss for words. However I would wait forever for the response.
Instead I'll wake up and decide to do something about it and after that you can deal with the girl that accepts a half ass relationship because thats all you offer.
Sorry you're on the losing end this time. Welcome to my end finally...

Leap of Faith

What are you supposed to do when you're stuck between a rock and a hard place? Run, maybe? I keep feeling like I'm running into the same problem... I keep running in circles and find myself smack in the middle of where I started. What happens then? Someone pulls you out? In response to a certain someone, stepping in to the unknown is terrifying. This I feel is the reason rocks and hard places exist. Because we're too scared and selfish to a point and talk ourselves out of making the jump. And Afraid of getting hurt or the worst of being heartbroken.

What's your solution to jumping out of reality and into your happiness of the unknown? Answer me his anonymous reader...

Holes and quick sand

Make the pain go away. Make the want vanish from my mind. Make the hurt disappear. Make the savages in my subconscious mind delete the dirty thoughts. I want them gone. All of them.. The hole I'm digging keeps getting bigger and bigger. I feel like I could do something about it yet instead I'm siting in the bottom watching the dirt fill in. After I look down from staring at the top all that time I realize I'm sinking in quick sand also. Sinking and sinking further into my own muck... That's how I feel. Now how do I escape?

Alcoholic Idiots

Beer, wine, liquor.. Never a better taste. Sweet, sour, bitter, salty.. Sometimes overbearing. Flavorful and also pretty to look at. Oh, alcohol. It consumes us as much as we consume it. Has the power to capture the most honest and emotional parts of our human selves and almost always makes us look like idiots. Tasty and fruitful yet disgusting at the same time. That's what alcohol is. Hot or cold, even served on ice. Frozen and bottles or canned for specific brands, depending on your preference. Alcohol is alcohol. Affects us equally just some takes more than others. In the end though... We're all idiots.

Isolation is key

I'm scared. Terrified. Terrified to open my eyes and fight the reality of my fantasies. These fantasies I want to come true but I wont allow it. How does a subconscious decide how and when to control me? It's so effective. I'm defective. A small girl in a dark room with loudness surrounding and then silence... Clawing my way through the walls of the unknown and ending back in my own backyard. I'm scared of myself it sounds like, but how can I help myself? I'm isolating myself from reality for a reason..