My first TBH

I've never written a TBH before so here it is.. Just a few for certain people..

To be honest 1:
•The reason I said you were selfish is because that's how you carry yourself. You look as if you're not supposed to be with someone; almost like you're looking for better.
•You've become so much better I wish you could've stepped back to see the change.
• I wasn't expecting that; to see you. You know that right? You seemed pissed to even the sight of me walking beside you. Why are you so apathetic and nonchalant?
• I'm afraid for you. You'll be a great mommy and I want to believe that...
• I respect your needs and hear your wants, but life isn't fair. You could have your cake and eat it too with one simple task: divorce.
• don't underestimate my ability to do well. Money will no longer be a pain in the behind and I will finish my degree. With or without your help.
• I envy you. Wish I was on the level you're on and have all the great success stories as you do. I will one day. Because of you
• I miss you a lot. Come to Texas more often :(
• you're beautiful. You've got a good head on your shoulders. Don't let a boy change that or anyone else for that matter.
• you're my friend but I can only handle so much of you. Don't be so two faced and we may not have problems.
• Kryptonite. One of the neatest stones with so much power.. I'm sorry I'm yours.

Has it been 3 days yet?!

So yesterday didn't go quit the way I had planned it. Thought I would mention the occasion and it blew up in my face. "what's it matter", he says. I looked at him and just nodded with a disappointed glare on my face.

Old or young you remember the small things. The first date, the first kiss, the first crush, the first prom, the first heartbreak, the first's. And you remember the little unnecessary wants that a person does for you throughout. Like a "just because" card that sings the most annoying tune or a sticky note on the bathroom window that simply reads "I love you" or even a surprise of flowers on the dresser in your room after a crappy day of work... Those small things aren't something that come with script...

Remember crushing on someone? How you gave and received a cell number and you wait all day to see if they'll say something to you but you can't call because it hasn't hit the 3 day mark yet? And on that third day it gave you something to look forward to all day, just waiting for them to notice and call...

That's how dating someone is to me. On the 9th of every month I celebrate. I may look like a fool, but I look forward to the next 30 days... I look forward to the next month telling that person how much I care about them and what they mean to me... But then maybe I shouldn't care because in the end it doesn't matter anyways and it won't for some. It won't matter. Ever.

That's disappointing.

Week 1

Completed insanity week 1. Only gets easier from here on! Being it on week 2!

The Tricky Thing

As streams roll down my face, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I can repeat that over and over and it doesn't matter in the end...
Love is a tricky thing...For most it is wanted.
Wanted Immediately and wanted promised with all the factors fairy tales include.
...For many it is kind...
The one thing read about most frequently in books, books of all genre and ages, is love. Love stories of good and evil. More common than not, ending with heart breaks than happily ever afters...
... For some it is envied and boastful and proud...
We are all jealous..Those that flaunt their acquired focus on opinion and let the world inside. Then make it a comparison vs. others happiness instead of ones own.
... For few it does not dishonor others, it is not self seeking, and it is not easily angered...
Cheating is a sin. It is common. Sins are common, so be it. Dishonor is hurt. Hurting your other with oneself through actions and other beings. Self-seeking is now the form of mating. One must go out and "find" their match or be either rarely lucky or unloved. And not to mention, both of these are angering.
... For fewer it keeps no records of wrongs..
Backstabbing, referring to the past, "you did this, you did that" scenarios, they're all the same. Stored in the aged, spider webbed compartments in the very embedded files at the back are the bad memories. The ones you want to forget but are always somehow remembered.
... For the rare it does not delight in evil and rejoice in the truth..
Simply: we are liars..

Again,
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry...
But what does it matter...

Love is promised only to always protect, always trust, always hope, and always persevere.
Where are all of these factors in the one we "love"?

Love is contradicting. No matter which way its viewed. It has wrongs and rights and ups and downs, but it's out there; flawless, and perfect. It could be so simple and fair,but love is the tricky thing.



"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away."
- 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

Insanity

So I've been thinking. I want to be in the best shape I can be by my 21st birthday. Insanity is what I'm going to use to accomplish this, however I have to finish it this time. The first time I started this journey I quit after a month and a week and didn't only feel great but looked alright too. My mom also did this with me and looked way better than I ever did and she's 50. How depressing is that? Im not going to do it for anyone other than myself. I need to do this for me, mainly for disciplinary reasons to have my mind focused on one thing. Anyway, I'm going to do it this time. On my own and completed. I can do it.. I know I can.

To you, Superman.

So did you delete the ones you thought id read? The ones you didn't want to hurt me with... Call me a creeper man, but you inspire me. Your words and actions equal and create the person youve become. You're so much stronger than I am and that makes me a jealous person. Your heart has been enlarged by so many people, you're liked by many, and have fans of multiple places. You're envied and a stronghold to me. I can depend on you when I'm having the worst day I can imagine. I can call you if I'm stranded in the middle of the intersection with no gasoline in my tank and you'd come to my rescue without question. I hate to tell you this because I know you don't want to hear it and I think it's been 24 hrs at the least... Anyway, I miss you. Already. I can't help but put myself through wondering what ifs all day because I know I'm the one that screwed up. I'm the one in the hole and I know I'm the one that has to make a difference. It's me not you.. How cliché I know. But, you're right. About everything..

The losing end

It's gone to far and now it hurts. You've hit the core of me. Inside me my heart is broken.
You're supposed to be that person I run to with good news or bad. The person I should want to see after a long days work and the the person I want to share my secrets with... The Person that protects my heart from the evil things that try to enter. You're supposed to be that person. The person I am to you if not a little more caring.
You're supposed to be my knight in shining armor. My prince charming. My one and only one. That's what you say you are anyway.
Don't be a liar. If you wanted any of those things it wouldn't be a want factor anymore. It would be automatic. I wouldn't have to ask for dates or attention. I wouldn't have to expect such a high standard from you. By expecting so much now leaves at a loss for words. However I would wait forever for the response.
Instead I'll wake up and decide to do something about it and after that you can deal with the girl that accepts a half ass relationship because thats all you offer.
Sorry you're on the losing end this time. Welcome to my end finally...